Kingdom Building

This weekend started out less than ideal - Mattie was sick with flu symptoms on Friday (could be dairy allergies). It was a 4 day weekend vacation from school for the girls which always throws them for a loop. By Sunday morning, I was looking forward to staying home with Mattie while Tracy took the girls to church. Tracy woke up feeling sick - oh yea! I took the girls to church and let the sickies get some rest at home.
Kiki came home remembering every detail of her Bible lesson - Martha in the kitchen and Mary at Jesus' feet listening. We talked about how Jesus is pleased when we take time to listen to him (even when there is housework).
The weekend was long and I needed a break by the end but as I was tucking Kiki in for the night, I asked her who she wanted to pray for. We chose Uncle Josh - that he would ask Jesus into His heart so that he could go to heaven with our family. Kiki then folded her little hands, squinted her eyes and asked that Jesus would come into her heart. She then prayed asking God to forgive her sins. Nothing more. What amazing sweetness comes from a soul that is sensitive to the Holy Spirit's voice! She couldn't wait to share her "exciting news"!

Compliments to the Chef (and Chauffeur, Referee, Purchasing Agent, Housecleaner...)

My mom got to come up and visit this weekend. The girls love it when grandma comes. I think Mattie might actually have a tie for favorite person- she rarely leaves Grandma's arms even for me! My mom and I took some time to scrapbook, play with the girls, watch a good movie and go out to breakfast for her birthday.
At breakfast, we had a whole conversation with only mini interruptions for someone to take our order, refill our coffee and the occasional check back. It was great! We were put at a table literally in a corner (2 sides of the table were touching the walls). It was quiet and quaint. We left about 90 minutes later after having filled each other in on the happenings of our lives since we last had a good talk and the place had errupted in noise and choas. I was so intent on sharing and listening that I hadn't noticed that every table had filled, the music had gotten louder and the bustle was quite a contrast from when we walked in.
Something I confessed to my mom and something she said to me will stick with me for a long time. I confessed I have a very good poker face. I appear competent and profficient in so many areas of my life but inside I feel like an awkward novice stumbling my way through. I cannot accept a compliment without doubting. I doubt the messenger and I doubt myself. I accept it with my mouth, smile and feel loved or appreciated for the moment, but then I wonder - could I be doing a BETTER job? Sure, on that point you may be right about me but what about the other aspects of my life. It is the thorn in my side. I have had these internal battles of self-worth since I was 5 years-old.
My mom's truth to me was this: she told me that she (and my dad) believes I am doing an amazing job as a mom. It has taken a few days, but I believe her and I accept the compliment wholeheartedly. So I offer this to you, my fellow moms who wear so many hats your heads are heavy - I think you are doing an amazing job! If you are reading this and you have the responsibility of feeding, clothing, caring for someone else I am talking to you. You are leading lives that are meaningful and you are pouring your meaningful soul into other meaningful souls. Your kids may not tell you but they do appreciate all you are doing for them. Thank you for raising children who love, who are learning compassion, who will turn out to be amazing adults because you are their mom.
P.S. Have you gone to flylady.net yet? If you have trouble organizing how to clean your house - check it out!

VICTIM

Have you ever been a victim? Do you know the paralyzing fear that no matter what you do you won't be in control of a situation? There is a war waging and you are trapped. The word victim is used in violent crimes, horrible accidents, or in general a powerless person being wounded by another. When dealing with the residual effects of events in which a victim must recover there are many emotions to move through that are normal. Denial, Anger, Forgiveness, Doubt just to name a few.
I am in no way comparing what happened to me yesterday in the dentist's office to a rape, cancer or physical abuse but I will tell you that Satan is using it to try and wedge himself between me and the truths that this world is fading, that what we are to strive for is heaven and eternal matters. To punctuate what happened: I took the girls in for their first dentist appointment. I was aware that since we didn't have insurance we were bearing the brunt of some hefty fees (which is a whole other blog point). In any event, the girls had a great experience and loved every minute! While finishing up, the billings gal casually says to me, "That'll be 427." I said, "DOLLARS??!!" Here is goes... "Yes" she replied curtly. I then must keep my cool, continue to watch my daughters and try to find out when I bought a weekend in the Bahamas in the last 45 minutes! As our conversation continues, I was belittled and treated with disrepect. I was accused of never asking questions, of not being fully informed which of course was MY fault, and she made it very clear that she was put out because I wasn't making any sense. All of my words fell on deaf ears. I paid the bill and left in tears. I couldn't think of the words to say.
I usually would have demanded I speak to someone else; I would have stood there acting ungodly and angry until I was given compensation for how I was being treated. I have been working on controlling my anger when it comes to dealing with injustice. I couldn't stop my mind from spinning. What should I have done? I replayed over and over what was said to me as I walked in the office door, as I went back with the girls, when I came to the pay counter...Was it my fault? (Doubt) How could she have so much control over my emotions? (Anger) I sat down a wrote a letter to the doctor recounting everything. (Desire for Justice) Praying that God would take the feelings of helplessness and anger and the desire to be right away from my every thought. (Forgiveness)
The letter got mailed this morning and the bill has been paid. Now, it's up to me to just let it go. I am reminded of words a wise woman shared once - "Justice may not always be seen on this earth, but believe me honey, it's coming." This whole situation seems little and I wish it hadn't effected me that way it did, but I feel I am working on being a good steward of God's money so when it's wasted on stuff like miscommunication and hidden fees I want justice. In the end, it's really not about the money. It's about being mindful of how we treat others and how we make them feel. I felt little. I felt unheard. I cried big tears.
In God's arms I am always heard. He always has time to hear and feel it all. He heals, he carries my burdens and he whispers His truths in my ear as I rest in His arms. I am loved, I am responsible, I am His child. This world is not my home. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus. That's what I will dwell on today. I am not a victim. I am victorious!

Potholes!

So all the snow here has created quite a fun drive for us. Colorado roads aren't built for all this mag chloride and dirt and ice! The potholes on the way to school are horrific! It's an obstacle course to say the least. Every once in a while there's one you just can't avoid. It goes all the way across the road - WHAM! "Mom, you drive crazy!" I hear from the back seat as we try to get back on course. "Sorry, I couldn't miss that bump. I'll try to let you know if we're going to hit another one."
Okay, so you know how I am a complainer? Well, if you don't know that about me, I am sorry to say that I am. Mostly, I complain to Tracy or my mom. I am usually guarded around friends, but sometimes I find myself in the middle of a conversation on a smooth road then WHAM - the person I am talking to has zoned out and is looking at their watch or over my shoulder for someone else to chat with. Now really I am exaggerating just a bit, but I am more aware than ever of how much I complain. I need to exercise more, I don't have enough time alone, I am picking up after 4 children most of the time, I have too much work, I, I , I... There comes a point that enough is enough. No more thinking just about how life is pounding me. Complaining is like driving over potholes - they are jarring and each complaint throws me off course.

God's Word tells us in Philippians 2:14,15

Do ALL things without grumbling or complaining so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world...

Ephesians 5:18-20
But be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always give thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.

I'm not a bad singer but don't expect a melody from me next time we talk. Just know that God is working on keeping His songs on my heart so that the words on my lips will be palatable to all who hear.